The other day I saw a post in my mom facebook group begging for a solution to her "tyrant of a toddler". We've all heard the phrase the "terrible twos" and we know that toddlerhood is no walk in the park. But the more I read and research, the more I find toddlers to be fascinating. When I taught preschool, I saw a lot of "late toddler behaviors" as they had just left that stage of life. That's when I began reading about the developing body and brain of babies through preschoolers. I would have to disagree with the term "terrible twos" and the moms that commented on that facebook post that they need to "whip their toddler into shape now before it becomes a problem". I believe toddlers have so much more depth to them and when we learn and understand what's happening inside of them, it is MUCH easier to manage and handle. They just need that chance.
I have been wanting to write a post on the method of parenting that Michael and I have chosen, called gentle parenting. But it's a lot and I know many people disagree with the method. So until I'm ready to not care what people think, I won't go into detail. But the basics of the method are this: we develop a mutual respect between parent and child that leans on connection, growth, and age-appropriate development. We choose gentle methods of discipline ("discipline" being the concept of a disciple, not punishment) that do not involve punitive actions or words. We respect our children's autonomy over their body (ex: not forcing her to sit on my lap or participate in tickling, etc.), their opinions (ex: the right to say "no", even if we disagree), and their feelings (ex: frustration and tears are allowed). And the way we respond to Isla is a part of this method too, which I will get into.
If you've read that and said, "this sounds ridiculous", that would be exactly why I haven't made a thorough post on this. But it is something that we agree with and it's how we plan on running our home. And honestly, the more I read about early childhood development, the more I think gentle parenting aligns with the best response to a child. And as a sidenote, the more I learn and know about God, the more I agree with gentle parenting because that's exactly what He does with us. I do not have a relationship with God out of fear, but because He loves me and I in turn want to love and respect Him. So there's that.
So until I write more about our choice of parenting method, here is something we've been working on lately: our response to those dreaded tantrums. When I saw this mom's post on facebook, it confirmed in me that toddlers are all the same. They want independence, but need a solid foundation and boundary. They want risk, but need safety and comfort. They want a voice, but need reassurance that they won't be reprimanded for having that voice. Toddlers are learning so, so much and it's our job as parents to help them navigate their feelings, opinions, and world around them.
I could go into so much detail and I have great resources for anyone that may be interested. A small glimpse into our home on something we've been working on is Michael and my response to Isla during a tantrum (or should we say "cry for a need"). We are not perfect and we don't do it every time, but we have three steps we try to use when this happens.
1. Set the Boundary:
A common misconception in gentle parenting is that kids are allowed to do whatever they want. However, true gentle parenting involves healthy, age-appropriate boundaries. In our home, we use the word "no" sparingly and only for dangerous or serious situations. We really question our intentions on why we are saying "no" and do our best to eliminate situations of needing to say it OR allowing her to do whatever the thing is (because oftentimes the "no" really is unnecessary and it's just a means of control for parents). Now I'll have to do another post on that sometime! But we still have many developmentally-appropriate boundaries. Because children need routine, expectations, and safety within their environment. We often use words like "I can't let you do that" or "hmm that looks dangerous, we need to get down" etc. No big reactions, no jolts toward the toddler, nothing shocking... just a clearly stated boundary that is logical and few in words.
2. Empathize and Connect:
One of the most interesting things about a toddler's brain is that their prefrontal cortex is under construction (and is not fully completed until early 20's!). This is the part of the brain that uses logic and reason. The Whole Brain Child by Daniel Siegel goes to great lengths explaining this, but basically when an emotional response takes over (i.e. a tantrum), the prefrontal cortex goes offline. There is no logic or reason involved because it simply can't be. They don't have the capability. This is why tantrums sometimes seem so absurd (like why are you crying over the fact that I moved your stuffed animal?!?) because they have no ability to connect logic to the situation. This is also why you will see a HUGE tantrum take place and then all of a sudden they are fine and moving on to the next thing. Once the emotional response is over, their brain essentially comes back online (almost as if nothing happened at all). It really is amazing.
I remember during a mom's group meeting there was a little guy screaming over the fact that he couldn't play with all the cars because other friends were using them too. His mom kept saying things like "if you don't stop crying, we are leaving" or "you're fine, look you have cars in your hand!". In that moment, she was hopelessly trying to reason with her son who was so upset at not having all the cars. It's understandable because in our mind his reasoning is uncalled for. But when we choose to empathize and connect with the toddler instead, they not only feel validated, but also safe which allows for the tantrum to run its course a lot quicker. Have you ever been really upset at something and someone tells you "don't cry, it's not that big of a deal". How infuriating is that feeling? Sometimes all we need is for someone to say "wow, that's so upsetting. I'm so sorry that happened". If I feel that as an adult, surely our toddlers need that validation too. Phrases we like to use with Isla are "you are so frustrated (helping her identify the feeling)" or "wow you seem so sad, would you like a hug?" or "oof, I'm so sorry that's not what you want to hear right now". She is allowed to feel her feelings and I don't know why people try to shut that down. We do not try to distract her, shush her, or say things like "you're ok" because what that tells her is that her opinion and feelings are not that big of a deal (even if they seem ridiculous). And I don't want my children to feel they have to suppress anything. Because someday there might be a really big feeling they need help with and they don't feel they can come to me because their feelings have been suppressed their entire childhood.
3. Shift to a Yes:
And the final step looks different depending on the situation. The idea is giving an option or out for a frustrating situation. Not as a distraction from feelings, but as a shift towards independence and validation. This could be giving a choice, providing a suggestion, setting a plan/goal, or something along those lines. It's hard to explain this one in general, see examples below.
Here are situations where we have used this method just this week:
ex. 1: Isla did not want to get ready for bed and wanted to run around instead even though it was bedtime.
- Set the Boundary: "Isla it is bedtime. It is time to stop playing and time to put our pajamas on." A very definitive "no" and running towards the door happened. Continuing to set the boundary, Michael said, "I can't let you leave the room, it's time to get dressed."
- Empathize and Connect: "You really want to play right now. I can't wait to play with you tomorrow"
- Shift to a Yes: "Would you like to wear your dinosaur pajamas or your sheep pajamas?" This gave her a voice and choice. She immediately came over to pick one and we were able to complete bedtime without drama.
We did not force her to put her pajamas on. We did not try to reason with her that it is in fact bedtime.
ex. 2: Isla wanted to push the buttons on the baby swing that we set up for Bubba.
- Set the Boundary: She has access to most things in our home, but the swing is something we want to control. We can see this being a problem in the future and so it is important to us that we teach her the buttons are for mommy and daddy only. "Isla those buttons are for mommy and daddy to push. We can't let you touch those."
- Empathize and Connect: She started crying and telling us she wanted to push the button. "Oh man, I know that's frustrating. You are sad because it's fun to push buttons." I got down on her level to remain close by.
- Shift to a Yes: "Would you like to put your baby doll in the swing and watch him so we can practice watching like we will with Bubba?" This gave her an out, while also telling her exactly what she is allowed to do with the swing. And now she sits and watches the swing and says "mommy button" without touching it.
We did not say "no don't touch that". We did not punish her for touching the buttons. We did not try to distract her from being upset. We continue to remind her of the boundary when it's needed.
ex. 3: Isla wanted a snack before dinner, but dinner was in 15 minutes.
- Set the Boundary: If we let her have a snack this close to dinner, she won't eat her dinner. We understand that she has no concept of time and it's hard to see why we won't let her have a snack. This is also why we stick to a schedule so she knows when to expect food, but sometimes hunger takes over and we get it. It happens to all of us! "I can't let you have a snack right now. I'm going to close the pantry. Dinner is very soon."
- Empathize and Connect: Tears and throwing her body down happened here. "You are mad because you want a snack. It's hard to wait when you are hungry. Oh man I understand!" I got on her level and moved to the next step.
- Shift to a Yes: "Would you like to help me finish making dinner or would you like to color while you wait?" She chose to help make dinner, which means she sat at the counter and helped cut the veggies.
We did not say "stop crying, dinner is soon" or "you're fine, just be patient". We did not send her off to a timeout. We did not try to reason with her on the concept of time.
Rest assured, not every interaction goes this smoothly. These were just our successful ones from the week. Sometimes we spend a long time on the empathizing step and don't even have a "yes" to shift to. And that's ok. The overall goal here is to allow a space for feelings without the use of logic. Tantrums do not scare me. I think people shut them down often because it seems like if your child is throwing a tantrum then you don't have control as the parent. Or maybe the parent themselves is uncomfortable with the expression of emotion. Or maybe the parent has a sense of others judging her for her screaming toddler. I've been there! Sometimes it's easier to distract Isla out of a tantrum or shut down her crying immediately because I'm worried about what others think. Do they think I don't have control? Do they doubt me as a parent? But the more I practice this script, the more I feel confident in allowing the tantrum to happen. In fact, I feel more in control when I allow the tantrum to take place because it shows I have a true grasp on what is happening inside her brain (this is different from ignoring a child's fit or walking away, though). And sometimes a tantrum is disruptive to others (in a restaurant or something like that). In that case, I would remove my child from the situation, but remain with them. I would be the source of comfort and safety they need until they can return to the situation with confidence. This isn't a time-out or frustrated removal, but rather the allowance for my child to safely have their feelings with me.
You may disagree, but I really encourage you to do more reading on the mind of a child. They are just beginning life and their brains are brand new. It's so important to have a developmentally-appropriate response no matter what your opinion is. Michael and I truly believe this way of parenting is the healthiest. What are your thoughts? I'd love to know! And stay tuned for more posts on gentle parenting. We truly love it! We have a sweet, fiery little lady who deserves an opinion, feelings, and safe place to express herself!
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